Seductions (Kristin)

Last night as I was preparing for bed; scrubbing, brushing, and moisturizing I started daydreaming about what I would do to set up the perfect seduction. This is what I would do...

To start out I take a nice long soak in a warm bath with bubbles the lights low with candles around the tub, this is to get me relaxed.  After my soak I dry my skin with a warm super soft towel,  then meticulously rub a silky lightly scented Shea butter moisturizer all over my skin until I feel nice and soft. Before I got into my bath I laid out a black silk bra, panties and matching nightie. After I slip into my sexy attire, I brush out my hair, and lightly spray myself with my favorite fragrance. Once all this complete, I am feeling sexy, sensual, and confident. I am looking so hot, the Victoria's Secret model that got away. Now, time to seduce my husband. After blowing myself a kiss in the mirror, I glide into my bedroom where my husband is lounging in bed reading a book, as I come to a stop in the middle of the room and pose dramatically he looks up and says...

"Damn! Girl you gonna catch a cold, you better go put some clothes on."

What? Were you thinking he was going to sweep me off my feet like they do in romance novels? Please I'm married to a country boy. That is why this is a daydream and not my reality. *smile

Daddy Issues (Sevenof9)

Father. Protector. Provider. Priest of his house. All the things a woman wants for her child. Now replace those words with Abusive, Kidnapper, Liar. That's my father. Also known as HIM. When I first met HIM, I was about 10. He came to pick me up at the airport in Dallas (a visit arranged after numerous terse phone calls), he knew me right away. At an age I knew what he was though not who. He walked over to me and I just accepted that he was my dad. I wish I could say this visit led to many more visits and a long-lasting relationship, but it didn't. It led to the first of many heartbreaks, trust issues, abandonment issues, and issues with having issues. He ended up being one of several men with whom I would fail to maintain a relationship. He continued to come in and out of my life until I finally put a stop to it in my late 30's. By this time our little dance had been perfected: one and two, and back and forth, and the drop me on my ass. But he loved me though, let him tell it. And because I believed him, I went through life erroneously believing other men, until I entered young adulthood. That's when the dynamics of our relationsuhip changed. Now I wanted proof. I would put any man who dared let those words fall from his lips through tests that would rival the most medieval gauntlet. Then when HIM came back into my life I would ease up. I have my "daddy" back and all is right with the world. Left, two, three...Then he was gone again. Marriage, divorce, remarriage, and he's back. Step, together. We get into a fight about my mom. Right, two, three...he's gone. Fast forward two more kids and another "long-term" relationship (with more offs and ons than a strip club) and he's back. This particular relationship is odd in its own right. He looks like HIM, acts like HIM, thinks like HIM. How did that happen? Was my need to have HIM love me so deep and intense that I sought him out? Have I dealt with, put up with, cried my way through just so HIM, in whatever form, would love me? Wow. I really am textbook. I've gone through the low self-esteem, looking for love in all the wrong faces, my daddy don't love me so I don't love myself, self-destructive behavior. I guess it was only a matter of time before I checked the Find HIM and Date HIM square. So the beginning of getting healthy was cutting the head off the beast. HIM had to go, along with the self-loathing needy little girl he created. Waiting for HIM to love me, I was never going to love myself. Once I showed HIM the door, I realized I had a dad who loved me. He's never said it to me but he shows me in so many ways. First and foremost by loving and respecting my mother. That really is the best gift he can give me. I didn't realize it at the time but my relationship with HIM had even tainted my relationship with this man for the 13 years he's been in it. My dad is the EXAMPLE. For me he's been the textbook dad. Indulgent, supportive, and every other thing I could ask for. If I want it, I'll get it (as long as it gets by my mom). I've become a total daddy's girl. Which is what I deserved to be all along. I get the best from my dad and now I that I know what the "best" is supposed to be I expect the best. If I don't get it, I'm telling my daddy.

DADDY ISSUES (Kristin)

My "Daddy Issue" is fear of abandonment and trust. I do not trust men to stay and have my back. I am a product of a teenage marriage. My father was in his early 20's when he married my mother, unbeknownst to my mom he already had four children prior to getting my mother pregnant. I have always felt that because my Grandfather pastored one of the largest black churchs in Little Rock, there was pressure on my father to do the "right thing" and clearly he was too young to deal with the responsibility of being married to "one of those Knox girls" and deal with a spoiled pregnant teen. So, he did what my grandfather told him to do if he were to find himself in a situation where he couldn't "keep her in a manner in which she was accustomed" he took her home to her parents. Unfortunately he left me too, and from the time I was 10 until I was 19 I spent most of my summers in Little Rock, chasing after him trying to get him to notice and want to have a relationship with me. Yeah, that never worked.

Fast forward some years later and here I am a strong, independent black woman. But, when it comes to men I have issues. As I stated previously I don't trust men. In relationships I spend all my time waiting for the other shoe to drop, what am I going to say or do that is going to make him leave. I wonder if I am pretty enough, is my body desirable enough, and can he ever accept me. So, what I do is I surpress ME and I become who I think they want. I hold my temper, I become considerate beyond reason of their feelings, I spoil them, and I excuse their mistreatment of me. In the end, when the relationships are over, I hate that I compromised myself all for some dick. Hating that feeling, I became emotionally unavailable to men, because I didn't want to be hurt when they left. I started thinking like a man and acting like one. In my mind men were only good for one thing. I had no time or desire to be involved with anyone. Let me interject this as well. I am an only child, I have a mild case of OCD, I have control issues (topic for another blog), and I can be a bitch! I speak the truth if it needs to be spoken I don't care if I hurt anyones feelings because if you know me you know I say or do things out of love not to hurt. But, with a man that I care about...I fold like a deck of card, just so he won't leave me. I will hold my tongue and allow bullshit and stupidity to reign supreme, all in an effort to be accepted and loved. Even now, married to my second husband I find myself hesitant to express my feelings, needs and desires. I hold my tongue about things that I shouldn't, and when we have disagreements I am more worried about his hurt feelings than my own. No marriage can survive like this. Hell, I can't survive like this! Because eventually one of two things will happen: one, he's going to leave me and be with someone who treats him like shit,because she doesn't let him get away with anything and she speaks her mind. Or two, I am going to get fed up with his shit and smother his ass, then my next relationship is going to be with my cellie Beulah who likes her socks folded not rolled, her hair corn rolled every other Friday, and only wants to cuddle on Sundays.

So my resolution for 2011, I am going to be me. All of me, if you don't like me...peace the hell out! I am a bitch, I have OCD, and control issues. I like things a certain way, I like to have a plan of action, a "to do" list, and a schedule. However, I understand everyone is not like me I am willing to be flexible but not malleable. I refuse to be a door mat. Love me for me or go pound sand!

Repeat: You're Fired!

I posted this on my blog, My Happily Ever...After? This post has caused a bit of havoc in my marriage over the last 24 hours so I took it down...but, the truth hurts.

Posted, 11/20/10 at 01:01:00 am:

I really, truly, and honestly feel that every male that I have come in contact with has failed me this week...including but not limited to my husband, my sons, my co-workers, my supervisors, and/or strangers that I have met on the street. Sad. I really believe that due to the fact that men have penises, and the way blood flows to said appendage, their brains lack the ability to function properly and logically. Which in turn causes them to become rude, insensitive, inconsiderate and selfish assholes!

I have been hung out to dry by males that I trusted and I am so tired of it of being understanding and compassionate. FUCK YOU! You are all fired! New applicants need not apply.


http://kristin-myhappilyeverafter.blogspot.com/

DADDY ISSUES (The Black Pearl)

I'm the single mother of five daughters - yep, FIVE. All girls - ages 15, 13, 9, 8, and 3. One major concern I've had for my girls is what kind of men would they choose to allow in their lives once they were of the age to start dating. I really worried about my oldest daughter because she had always been a "Daddy's Girl" and before she went to live with her father in Italy recently - her relationship with her father was heart-breaking, to say the least. He would rarely call or write and when he did call, he would fill her head and heart with promises that were never manifested. I was left to pick up the pieces of her broken heart and to try to explain the best that I could that love was not about saying but doing. It's not what a person tells you - but what they show you that counts. True love produces action. Even God Himself proved His love for us by sending His Only Son, Jesus Christ, to die for us. That's love. But how could I explain this to her? I was Mom, a woman...a daughter wanting her father, just as she was. After countless arguments with her father on how he should be there for her and how he was hurting her and how he would be acountable for his treatment of her, I finally "got it" when he told me that no matter how he treated her - she would always forgive him because he was "DAD". And I had to admit that he was right. After holding my daughter and trying to console her after another disappointment from dear old dad, the minute he would call - her tears would be replaced by smiles and it was all as if it never were. So I determined right then and there that their relationship was what it was - THEIR relationship. And I would no longer argue with my ex-husband but would rather support my daughter in her decision to continue her relationship with her father and I would encourage her and be her shoulder and ear when things didn't quite turn out how she hoped. I knew my role and although at times it took all I had not to want to rip him a new one for how he was setting his daughter up for failure in her future relationships - I held my peace and let her grow. But it got me to thinking about my own "daddy issues" and how they affected the relationships I found myself in over the years.

I never knew my biological father and according to my mother, he never knew of me. I was first told that he had died while I was still very young. When I got older, my mother decided to tell me that he was not dead and asked how I felt about it. I told her that I wished he were dead because now I had so many questions: Did I have brothers and sisters? Would he have wanted me? How different would my life had been had he been a part of it? I felt this emptiness from not knowing who the other half of my biological and genetic make-up was. I felt incomplete.

The man I call Dad now is and has been a father to me in every sense of the word. He raised my brother and I as if we were his own and never made a difference between us. He wasn't very involved with us but he was there. I grew up in a home of domestic violence but it wasn't my dad hitting my mother but rather I witnessed my mother hitting my dad, stabbing at him with a knife, calling him vicious names and degrading him as a man and as a person. I hated it. I didn't realize until I started writing this blog that this was the reason why most of the men I found myself attracted to were what society would call the "undesireables", the underdogs. I was to be there champion and let them know that they were loveable despite what others said of them. In other words, in my adult life - I was now attempting to stand up for my father in a way I couldn't when I was a little girl. I would find myself playing the martyr in most of my relationships and sacrificing my needs and wants for this man who just needed someone to believe in him, love him, protect him.

Wow.

I also found myself attracted to aggressive, dominate, controlling men. I come from a family of very strong women - true "Sapphires" in every sense of the word. Watching how my mother degraded my father for so many years - I was determined to have a man who was a man and who would keep me in my place should I try to step out of it. I wanted a man who could "tame" me. What I got instead were men who would do everything possible to break me and in some cases, they came very close to succeeding...but that's another blog. Men who came into my life who were kind - I saw as weak. When I threw a temper tantrum and they allowed me to get away with it - I quickly became bored and started looking for someone with a stronger hand. Someone who would demand that I respect the man in them. It's only as I've matured that I've realized that my father wasn't weak - he displayed a strength that very few men can claim to possess. He saw past my mother's anger to her pain and he loved her IN SPITE OF. Not once did I see my father lift a hand to my mother. Not once. And now I realize how much it took for him to deal with that and to remain with her and with us. It's now what I look for - someone who is willing to look past my anger, my insecurities, my trust issues, my 'daddy issues' and to love me in spite of me.