DADDY ISSUES (Kristin)

My "Daddy Issue" is fear of abandonment and trust. I do not trust men to stay and have my back. I am a product of a teenage marriage. My father was in his early 20's when he married my mother, unbeknownst to my mom he already had four children prior to getting my mother pregnant. I have always felt that because my Grandfather pastored one of the largest black churchs in Little Rock, there was pressure on my father to do the "right thing" and clearly he was too young to deal with the responsibility of being married to "one of those Knox girls" and deal with a spoiled pregnant teen. So, he did what my grandfather told him to do if he were to find himself in a situation where he couldn't "keep her in a manner in which she was accustomed" he took her home to her parents. Unfortunately he left me too, and from the time I was 10 until I was 19 I spent most of my summers in Little Rock, chasing after him trying to get him to notice and want to have a relationship with me. Yeah, that never worked.

Fast forward some years later and here I am a strong, independent black woman. But, when it comes to men I have issues. As I stated previously I don't trust men. In relationships I spend all my time waiting for the other shoe to drop, what am I going to say or do that is going to make him leave. I wonder if I am pretty enough, is my body desirable enough, and can he ever accept me. So, what I do is I surpress ME and I become who I think they want. I hold my temper, I become considerate beyond reason of their feelings, I spoil them, and I excuse their mistreatment of me. In the end, when the relationships are over, I hate that I compromised myself all for some dick. Hating that feeling, I became emotionally unavailable to men, because I didn't want to be hurt when they left. I started thinking like a man and acting like one. In my mind men were only good for one thing. I had no time or desire to be involved with anyone. Let me interject this as well. I am an only child, I have a mild case of OCD, I have control issues (topic for another blog), and I can be a bitch! I speak the truth if it needs to be spoken I don't care if I hurt anyones feelings because if you know me you know I say or do things out of love not to hurt. But, with a man that I care about...I fold like a deck of card, just so he won't leave me. I will hold my tongue and allow bullshit and stupidity to reign supreme, all in an effort to be accepted and loved. Even now, married to my second husband I find myself hesitant to express my feelings, needs and desires. I hold my tongue about things that I shouldn't, and when we have disagreements I am more worried about his hurt feelings than my own. No marriage can survive like this. Hell, I can't survive like this! Because eventually one of two things will happen: one, he's going to leave me and be with someone who treats him like shit,because she doesn't let him get away with anything and she speaks her mind. Or two, I am going to get fed up with his shit and smother his ass, then my next relationship is going to be with my cellie Beulah who likes her socks folded not rolled, her hair corn rolled every other Friday, and only wants to cuddle on Sundays.

So my resolution for 2011, I am going to be me. All of me, if you don't like me...peace the hell out! I am a bitch, I have OCD, and control issues. I like things a certain way, I like to have a plan of action, a "to do" list, and a schedule. However, I understand everyone is not like me I am willing to be flexible but not malleable. I refuse to be a door mat. Love me for me or go pound sand!