Daddy Issues (Sevenof9)

Father. Protector. Provider. Priest of his house. All the things a woman wants for her child. Now replace those words with Abusive, Kidnapper, Liar. That's my father. Also known as HIM. When I first met HIM, I was about 10. He came to pick me up at the airport in Dallas (a visit arranged after numerous terse phone calls), he knew me right away. At an age I knew what he was though not who. He walked over to me and I just accepted that he was my dad. I wish I could say this visit led to many more visits and a long-lasting relationship, but it didn't. It led to the first of many heartbreaks, trust issues, abandonment issues, and issues with having issues. He ended up being one of several men with whom I would fail to maintain a relationship. He continued to come in and out of my life until I finally put a stop to it in my late 30's. By this time our little dance had been perfected: one and two, and back and forth, and the drop me on my ass. But he loved me though, let him tell it. And because I believed him, I went through life erroneously believing other men, until I entered young adulthood. That's when the dynamics of our relationsuhip changed. Now I wanted proof. I would put any man who dared let those words fall from his lips through tests that would rival the most medieval gauntlet. Then when HIM came back into my life I would ease up. I have my "daddy" back and all is right with the world. Left, two, three...Then he was gone again. Marriage, divorce, remarriage, and he's back. Step, together. We get into a fight about my mom. Right, two, three...he's gone. Fast forward two more kids and another "long-term" relationship (with more offs and ons than a strip club) and he's back. This particular relationship is odd in its own right. He looks like HIM, acts like HIM, thinks like HIM. How did that happen? Was my need to have HIM love me so deep and intense that I sought him out? Have I dealt with, put up with, cried my way through just so HIM, in whatever form, would love me? Wow. I really am textbook. I've gone through the low self-esteem, looking for love in all the wrong faces, my daddy don't love me so I don't love myself, self-destructive behavior. I guess it was only a matter of time before I checked the Find HIM and Date HIM square. So the beginning of getting healthy was cutting the head off the beast. HIM had to go, along with the self-loathing needy little girl he created. Waiting for HIM to love me, I was never going to love myself. Once I showed HIM the door, I realized I had a dad who loved me. He's never said it to me but he shows me in so many ways. First and foremost by loving and respecting my mother. That really is the best gift he can give me. I didn't realize it at the time but my relationship with HIM had even tainted my relationship with this man for the 13 years he's been in it. My dad is the EXAMPLE. For me he's been the textbook dad. Indulgent, supportive, and every other thing I could ask for. If I want it, I'll get it (as long as it gets by my mom). I've become a total daddy's girl. Which is what I deserved to be all along. I get the best from my dad and now I that I know what the "best" is supposed to be I expect the best. If I don't get it, I'm telling my daddy.